The way I worry now

While I wouldn't classify myself as a paranoid person (maybe my husband would disagree?), I am a bit of a worrier. Not so much about silly everyday things, but about my kids.

Moms worry about their kids. It's part of the job.

Worrying is a new game now. At least when it comes to being worried about a baby.

I'm sure it's to be expected, and even justified that I worry about Sam. It's been a lot of months with a lot of worries. Ironically it has almost been a worry that so many of the things I worried about haven't happened. Almost like we are waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?

It has been a huge load off my shoulders that everything has gone so smoothly. It has been a relief that I could never have imagined. One for which I am overwhelmingly grateful.

Today I have realized that worrying about this baby in a "regular" way is different from the way I worried about my others.

Poor Sam has had an awful day. He has cried and screamed and just been been all around unhappy. This is not like him.

My first thought was just like what I've wondered every other time I have had a month old baby do this. I wonder if I ate something that is bugging baby.

But this time immediately after that thought came a wonder of if this fussiness indicates increased cranial pressure from the hydrocephalus. I haven't measured his head for a couple of weeks, has it increased in size? Are his soft spots bulging?

Is he getting overloaded from his surroundings? Sensory overload is one of those things that is common.....

Is his body functioning ok? Intestinal problems? Hydration issues? We haven't run metabolic panels since he was a week old-is everything ok?

He feels warm, is it from just waking up a few minutes ago or is he having trouble regulating his body temperature?

He sounds a little congested, is he getting a cold? Is this going to overrun his system? How compromised is his immune system? Will this turn in to something more?

So I check what I can, keep my thoughts to myself so that I don't drive everyone else crazy, and hope and pray that it is nothing, that I am just overreacting. Then I pretend that he is just a "normal" baby and make a list of everything I ate to see if there is something that might be an obvious culprit. And hope that he feels better soon.