Sunday, April 18, 2010

The small things that throw you off

You're cruising along just fine, moving on with life, dealing quite well with every day and then one of the little things just throws you totally off. It's like stepping off a curb and getting hit by a bus that you didn't even see coming.
(well, I assume it is. I've never stepped of a curb and been hit by a bus so I can't speak personally for that.)

Case in point:
I'm an emotional person. A crier. Just one of those things. Add the pregnancy hormones and, well, let's just say that last time I bought the little travel tissue pack....I bought 6.

So imagine my surprise (and frustration) when after doing so well for so long, making it through church just fine today, not 5 minutes before church was out I just lost it. Lost it.

and what was it that caught me so off guard and brought an onslaught of tears?
I was reading, or rather I was going to try to read a simple paragraph for the lesson. The lesson was on the Creation of the world. I was asked to read the last two paragraphs in the manual:

We are now living in this beautiful world. Think of the sun, which gives us warmth and light. Think of the rain, which makes plants grow and makes the world feel clean and fresh. Think of how good it is to hear a bird singing or a friend laughing. Think of how wonderful our bodies are—how we can work and play and rest. When we consider all of these creations, we begin to understand what wise, powerful, and loving beings Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father are. They have shown great love for us by providing for all of our needs.

Plant life and animal life were also made to give us joy. The Lord said, “Yea, all things which come of the earth, in the season thereof, are made for the benefit and the use of man, both to please the eye and to gladden the heart; yea, for food and for raiment, for taste and for smell, to strengthen the body and to enliven the soul” (D&C 59:18–19). Even though God’s creations are many, He knows and loves them all. He said, “All things are numbered unto me, for they are mine and I know them” (Moses 1:35).

I got through the first two sentences (kind of) at which point I handed the book to the cute girl next to me and let her take over the rest.
Now, as I read out loud, my eyes kind of skip ahead to the sentences coming up, so I knew where the reading was going. I'm sure there were some women in the room who thought, "oh, poor Catey-she is really struggling!". I'm sure there are some who still don't know all of what's constantly racing through my mind every day that thought, "hmm-that's weird. What's her deal? Why is that making her cry?"

And then there was me, wishing I had enough gumption to add to the comments made after reading those paragraphs to explain why I hadn't been able to suck it up long enough to finish reading them.

So, to those of you who sat in that lesson with me today, allow me explain just what was going on. I did explain to my cute neighbor who was teaching the lesson what my deal was, so at least she knew what was happening, but I'd like to share with the rest of you why reading the sentence "Think of the sun, which gives us warmth and light" brought me to tears today.

Obviously life has been a bit overwhelming for much of the past few weeks. A lot of the time spent at our many dr appointments has been focused on worst case scenarios, on dire prospects and disheartening diagnosis. I have thought so many times over the past four weeks about how grateful I am for the timing of all of this. You see, I've always considered myself a sun baby-I just can't get enough of the sun. Seasons are wonderful and I'm glad I live in a place where we experience all four distinct seasons, but truthfully, by the time February rolls around each year I am just dying for warm weather and sunny days.
I have never been more grateful for Spring. Each time I walk away from saddening news and the frightening situations that I have to consider, I am so glad that I walk out to budding trees, greening grass, and the beginnings of flowers breaking out from the ground.

Everywhere I look I see life.

Spring has come, with (mostly) sunny weather, and it feeds my soul. The days have been so beautiful lately, the sun shining so bright.....I have neglected many things that I should have been doing this past week in order to just sit outside and soak it all up. And as I sit there with the sun washing over me, I feel my baby dancing away. He often sits fairly far back-as have most of my babies-but once I'm in the sun, he moves right up to the front of my belly. Every time I am in the sun, Samuel rolls right up to where I can feel him and easily see him moving around in there. The sun is not only bringing everything around me back to life and warming the temperature, it seems to encourage the life inside of me and warm my heart.

So today as I read those words "think of the sun", I thought of my baby. My son. I thought of what such a simple thing as the sun coming up each day means for us. I was overwhelmed with the love I feel for him. With the gratitude for each day he lives within me, and with hope that he will in a few months live with us....but knowing that even if he doesn't, we will have the opportunity to live with him again one day. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for another Son-our Father in Heaven's Son. For his sacrifice on our behalf, and for all that it makes possible. Because without him there would be no hope, there would be no life.

I can only imagine how much more difficult this would all be for me if this were happening just a few months ago when everything around me was either dead or dormant. Would I be able to be hopeful? Would I focus on the fact that with Spring those things would reawaken or just focus on the moment and that they were shut off from life? Thankfully I don't know how I would have reacted to that. Thankfully everything around me is alive. There is color, there is brightness, and hope and warmth and light. And Life.

Today my emotions did get the best of me, but it was due not to sadness and grief. It was tears of joy. Tears of hope. Tears of gratitude. I have never been more thankful for life.



Heidi B C said...

You're such an inspiration. Thank you for that thought!
Luv ya!

Kelsey said...

sweet lil sun baby!

Lisa said...

You are an amazing person Cateyball. I love you!

Cindi said...

I'll keep praying for sunshine and for you. Thanks for sharing. And we just love Charlotte. I love that she arranges the other kids in a circle so that they can play Ring Around the Rosie.

Cindi said...
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Cindi said...
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Cindi said...

Clearly I thought my comment was so cool it needed to be posted like ten thousand times (stupid computer).

Celeste said...

You inspire me to want to be a better person. I really appreciate that about you! Little Sam has great taste...LOVE THE SUN!!!

Deedles said...

I love this post! I love to hear your testimony. Thank you! :)

~LL~ said...

There are so many joys a moments of beauty that can get lost in the shuffle of life. It is not the sunshine that makes it worthy of our admiration, but the SONshine!

Love this post!