That moment

Yes, unfortunately THAT one.

The one where you have to let go of all of your ideas for the marathon you have been working toward for so many months.  The one where you scratch not only your A goal, but also your B goal and your C goal, and your goal becomes "Finish".

*sigh*

So the whole tweaked back/back out thing from ten days ago...turns out to be a little bigger than a tweak.  Thankfully it's nothing too horrific, or anything permanent, but to hear "bulging discs" isn't real thrilling when you are 9 days out from what was supposed to be an unbelievably awesome race.

Another visit with the dr today.  When he starts with "how are you holding up?" and then gingerly asks "have you been able to run at all yet?" looking slightly wary of your answer, it's just not good.  He was thrilled that I was able to log 3 miles on Monday and another 4 yesterday.  He was also thrilled that I've recovered as well as I have thus far.  Smart man to not tell me right at first how bad it really was.  And to not tell me ten days ago that I was looking at 6wks till I was feeling back to normal.

Six stinking weeks.  That's a long time people.

To add insult to injury, yesterday I picked up the nasty sinus/cough/sore throat garbage that one of my kids has had.

Really?

Ok, so quite frankly that all sucks.  This marathon will not be fast the way I wanted it to be.  My A goal was 3:40 something, with an A+maybethestarswillalignandI'lljusthaveamagicalday goal of slipping in under 3:40 and snagging a BQ.  Now, well, we'll see if I can at least manage to sub-4.  That's my new A+ goal.  I'm not betting on it, but we shall see.

Right this moment I'm focusing on DFL>DNF>DNS.
(DFL: dead freakin' last, DNF: did not finish, DNS: did not start)


But as always, there is good news here too.
First and foremost, Aaron finished off the gelato last night so I can't drown my sorrows in that tonight.
Ok, so that's not the most important, but it is good news.  Really.
(Did I mention that I tend to revert to my old food issues when I can't run?  That I drowned my sorrows over not running last week in a lot of crap food?  Yeah.)
Seriously, big good news is that my back is improving.
I have the go ahead to run, and to go for the marathon if I'm feeling up to it.  With another adjustment next week and a KT Taping the day before the race, I am planning on running it.
Dr was also optimistic about my back being in fine shape to still hit the 5k and half I have in 3wks and 5wks (though I will likely have to let go of PR plans), and be in great shape for Ragnar (did I mention we're on the same team?), that is six weeks from Saturday.

And perhaps the best news is that I get time to digest all of this.  Had something happened that made my race just fall apart mid-race, I know myself well enough to know that I would beat myself up for it for a long time.  Especially since it takes so dang long to prep for a marathon.  I would pick it apart minute by minute and come up with a million ways that I had failed.  There may still be some angry tears, especially since I can't go for an angry run, but if that's the worst that happens, oh well.  Knowing now that this is the pill I get to swallow doesn't make the pill any less bitter, but gives me time to get my head on straight and get a little perspective.  I get to run.  I get to soak up view of a gorgeous canyon.  I get to feel the energy and excitement and just plain awesome that is a marathon.  Even if it may not be quite in the manner I expected it to be.  

It was very appropriate that the Runners World quote of the day that landed in my email late last night was this:

Do the work.  Do the analysis.  But feel your run.  Feel your race.  Feel the joy that is running. 

-Kara Goucher 

         
  New race mantra for this one: "feel the joy".

We'll see how it goes.