A year ago

I'm one of those people who remembers numbers, dates....events.
Which means there is a whole lot of remembering going on right now.

Crazy sometimes how time flies.

I can't believe it's been a year...and yet it seems like forever ago.

A year ago I was moving on from a whirlwind of a lot of numbers.  Some "events" I hadn't ever planned on.

A year ago I had already had my big ultrasound.  I didn't know it would be the first of many.
A year ago I was blissfully pregnant, taking these pictures to share with our family and friends to announce that #8 was on the way, that we would be adding a baby boy to our family.

I took them that afternoon right after returning home from that first ultrasound, after having stopped for some egg rolls on the way home.  I was still sick and hadn't eaten anything since early that morning, the breakfast of champions and pregnant women with strange cravings- Lucky Charms.  So of course egg rolls seemed the natural thing at 4pm.

The phone rang while I was taking them.

I could never have imagined how instantly and overwhelmingly sick I would feel to hear my midwife call me and say "Catey, can you come to my office?  We really need to talk and I don't want to do it over the phone.  There is something wrong with your baby.  Something is wrong with his brain."

That afternoon will always haunt me.  Having to call Aaron and tell him that something was wrong, but I didn't know exactly what, and that I needed him to meet me at my midwife's office was awful.  I was a mess.

A year ago I'd had an amniocentesis performed-something else I'd never planned and always been quite adamant about avoiding.  I'd waited two full long weeks to hear back about it.

A year ago we chose a name for our baby.  We had a lot of difficult conversations.  We faced a world of unknowns.

A year ago I Googled till I couldn't handle reading anymore.  Then I'd go lay in bed while my mind spun.  Then I'd do it again the next night when the house was quiet and everyone else was asleep.

A year ago I tried to decide if it would be easier to lose a baby at 5 months pregnant, or 7 months pregnant or after it was born.

A year ago I cried myself to sleep entirely too often.

A year ago I learned a lot about who I am.  I learned a lot about my husband, about our marriage.  I was-and am-very grateful for a strong, stable, happy marriage.

A year ago life went on, the world kept turning even though some days it felt like it was all standing still.  I got really good at putting on a happy face no matter what else was going on.

A year ago I walked out of multiple dr appointments with dire predictions, and found myself drawn to all the signs of Spring-the trees budding, the grass greening, tulips blooming....and found hope in the life waking up all around me.

A year ago I felt brave enough to make my baby a blanket, not knowing if I'd ever wrap him in it.

I didn't understand how complete the joy I'd feel would be when I did get to.   How amazing it would still feel all these months later.

A year ago I didn't dare dream that we'd be so lucky.  So blessed.  That my arms would be full of this beautiful, amazing, happy baby boy.