Two years ago today....

It was a Thursday night and I had just come home. Taylor had asked me why my tummy was still "so big" even though the baby was out now! lol Instead of a chunky little two month old in pink, I had a skinny little bird-legged baby boy. My little Lincoln.

As odd as it sounds, it seems like he's always been the way he is now. A wild little light-haired boy, climbing into everything. It seems odd to think of when he was a tiny baby.

Since I've written a birthday post for him before with his birth story, if you are interested you can read that here. Otherwise, this year I'll expand to a 'pre-birth'story, and say that Lincoln wasn't in my plans when it was time for him to join our family. I knew very specifically that it was time for him to come. It had been very directly impressed for two months in a row that it would be time for our next baby to join our family. But I felt like I wasn't ready. Ironic considering how close all of our kids have always been. I wanted just a couple more months to just be me. I didn't want another October baby, especially considering that the big family California trip (my family's Oct tradition) was already lined up. I'm sure I had a whole list of selfish reasons why it just "wasn't the right time yet". I remember actually having the audacity to attempt a mental bargaining with the powers that be...."I'm not saying 'no' to another baby, just 'not right now'......just give me a little more time....". I'm embarrassed to admit that right out loud. Thinking that I knew better what I needed.
I didn't even need to take a test those few weeks later, I knew. When I didn't have that surge of excitement at the realization that I was pregnant, I feared that maybe this pregnancy wouldn't go smoothly, maybe it was my subconscious way of not getting attached to the idea of a baby. I cried when I told Aaron I was expecting. He was more excited than I was, and for that I felt guilty.

Thankfully by a couple of months into the pregnancy, I was excited for and looking forward to this addition to our family. We just knew it was a boy, and we prepared for a blue bundle before it was even confirmed that there was indeed outdoor plumbing. As soon as we confirmed for sure it was a boy, we had decided on a name within minutes. We walked out of the ultrasound room and I told Aaron his name would be either Calvin Christopher or Samuel Gregory. He suggested Calvin Gregory. That was it! When we had our 20wk ultrasound and found cysts on the baby's brain, I tried not to worry. We had been through this before with Taylor and everything turned out fine. For some reason this time I was terribly disturbed. I knew the cysts would go away, and that they wouldn't pose any problems, but couldn't get over the fear that something would go terribly wrong with this baby. I'm sure people thought I was nuts when I randomly burst into sobs. At least it didn't happen often, and I guess they just chalked it up to pregnancy hormones. Although I know I shocked a couple of friends when we went to the temple one night and I was not just crying but actually choking out sobs. It was very humbling. I still don't know why I felt that way, as obviously everything turned out perfect with this crazy little boy. Perhaps I was greatly in need of some humbling.....

Shortly before he was born Aaron called and hesitantly told me that he just felt like Calvin didn't fit anymore. He really felt strongly that this baby needed to be named Lincoln. I scoffed, told him I'd mull it over (just to make him happy), and hung up. I tried to push it out of my head for a number of days, but as much as I didn't like the suggestion in the beginning, each day it felt more and more right. Lincoln it was. I suppose if you are going to give a tiny baby boy a very grown up name, it must be the name of a very great person. In this case, two. Our little Lincoln Gregory.

Two years ago today.... I gazed in awe at my perfect little baby boy who had finally come home to our family and very humbly admitted to him, and to my Heavenly Father that I had had no idea what I had been talking about when I figured it wasn't time for him to join us. What had I been thinking? How could I have even considered putting him off for even "just" another month? He was exactly what we needed, and arrived at exactly the right time. I can't imagine the past two years without Lincoln. He has provided laughter and moments for reflection....he has played the role of my security blanket more than once. How blessed we are to have him in our family!

Lincoln-year one to two....